First, let’s clear up something about fear that will make it much less intimidating: fear is completely natural and normal. Human beings experience fear for the same reasons that any other animal does: as a defense mechanism. Trying to “get rid” of something life fear is a sure way to make it seem like a bigger problem than it really is.
So if this is true, why bother with a chapter on how to “demolish” fear?
Because overcoming fear is possible, but not by getting rid of it. The secret to demolishing fear of any kind is to find another fear that’s greater than the unwanted fear and that there is a greater reward to be achieved.
Think about the last time that you did something you were really afraid of. What was it that made you go ahead with it? Chances are it was and understanding that there was some reward which was greater than the fear. Maybe you had to go to a job interview, and you were nervous…but you went anyway didn’t you?
Especially if you were out of work and you really needed the money. You risked rejection because you believed that you had no other choice. But when you think about it, you always have a choice to give in to fear. You could have stayed home from the job interview and simply come up with some crafty rationalization why it was okay for you not to go.
But what kept you from doing this? Was it courage?
No. Actually, it was fear that forced you to confront fear along with the belief that something else was more important. It was the fear that if you didn’t have a job, you wouldn’t have the money to buy the things that you need to survive. In other words, something else was more important than possibly being rejected by a prospective employer. There was something greater than fear, and so fear forced you to ask courageously.
Interesting, when you think about it that there are many times in which people confront fear because of some other fear which is greater. People confront fear every time that they get in their car and drive. This fear is almost paralyzing the first time you sit behind the wheel of a car, but the fear of never being independent and having to walk everywhere for the rest of your life is greater.
On top of this, there’s the reward of independence and being able to go places without having to depend on something else. As you learn to drive and as you practice, the original fear diminishes and you don’t even realize it’s there anymore. Enough practice and accumulated experience makes fear seem nonexistent.
On the other hand, if you had simply sat in the car with the key in your hand thinking about how scary learning to drive was, you might have never made the decision to start the engine and get learning.
After a while, the fear would become completely normal and you’d simply accept the fact that you were never going to learn to drive. You’d also never get the chance to experience the reward and after a while, you might not even care so much.
It’s the same with fear of rejection and approaching or meeting women. If you’re afraid to get started, that’s simply because you lack experience in meeting women. This is the message that you need to “get” when you feel afraid about approaching women. As simple as this sounds, thinking of approaching women in this way will make it a lot easier for you to get out there and just start practicing, getting experience and ridding yourself of fear.
Of course, you can try hypnosis, affirmations, positive thinking, creative visualization and every other “mind over matter” strategy for defeating fear. But the problem with all of these is that fear is not a matter of your state of mind. Fear is a very real and physical condition of your body, and it can only be conquered through physical means: action. Action builds experience and enough experience doing the things that you’re afraid of doing will make them less intimidating.
Yes, you’ll still feel that physical rush every time that you approach a woman, or ask a woman on a date or for her phone number. But even this physical response will become less and less intense with experience and action.
On the other hand, the longer you delay in taking action and the more you try to “mind over matter” your fear or talk yourself out of being afraid, the more intense it’s likely to become…until it paralyzes your initiative and forces you to settle for less than what you really want.
Now, in case you’re wondering what the first step is in confronting fear, let’s look at some simple strategies for learning to do something you MUST do: getting her phone number.
TIP: Remember that the key is finding a bigger reason than your fear. Sit down and write out exactly what will come of your dating life if nothing ever changes from this day until the end of your life. If this scares you, good! Better to find some terrifying reason to get off your butt and start confronting the fear of rejection than to keep allowed it to master you. When write down all of the wonderful opportunities that will open up for you when you start taking charge of your dating life.
Most likely, the fear of what will happen if you never change will be greater than the excitement about the rewards. Either way, the end goal is to start taking action and driving out fear by repetition and experience in confronting that fear.