Reigniting the Spark

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Sometimes a lack of sexual intimacy or affection is primarily due to a lack of passion in your relationship.  Once you get that back, you will likely find that your sex life steadily (or even quickly) gets back on track.


It’s not uncommon for couples who have been together for many years to feel as if they have “fallen out of love” with each other.  One or both of you may feel that the attraction has died as well.  If you have neglected to take care of yourself physically, it can be a serious turnoff to your mate (and vice-versa).  While you may defensively say that your partner is shallow to care about superficial things, you need to accept the fact that physical attractiveness does matter to some degree.


If you are a woman who has gained 50 to 100 pounds since you first started dating your partner, do you really expect him to get turned on by your body?  Would you be aroused by him if he were twice the size he was when you first got married?  Probably not,  in either case. Yet many people get offended when it is suggested that the fact that they let themselves go may be a significant part of the problem.


Also, if you have neglected your physical appearance, it is likely that your self-esteem, as well as your energy level, have plummeted as a result.  You may be less enthusiastic and self-confident in bed, two traits which are usually very attractive to both men and women.  So if those traits are lacking, it can be a turnoff to your partner.


If you truly want to bring back the flame of passion that was so wonderful and exciting when you first got together, you need to consider what you can do to make yourself more attractive to your partner again.  This doesn’t mean you have to have cosmetic surgery or starve yourself until you look like a Victoria’s Secret supermodel.  But getting back to a healthy weight, firming up your muscles, and dressing in clothes that flatter you rather than spending all your time wearing baggy clothes or sweats can go a long way towards getting your partner’s attention again.


In addition to physical appearance, finding something to be passionate and enthusiastic about, exercising more so you have more energy, and being a happier person (rather than an angry, unhappy partner) will make you much more attractive as well!


There are many other things you can do to reignite the passion in your relationship as well:


  • Start flirting again.  Let your partner know you think he’s hot.  Leave him playful notes in his briefcase or via text messages to let him know you’re thinking of him and how you’d like to “please” him when he gets home.  Anticipation is a significant part of the excitement.  Remember how excited you felt when you were first together and you couldn’t wait to be intimate?


  • Make a date night as often as possible.  Couples often forget how to date after they’ve been together for a long time.  This is especially a problem for couples who have children and never take any time to be alone as a couple, away from the kids.


If you think this is selfish, neglectful, or self-indulgent, you couldn’t be more wrong!  One of the greatest gifts you can give your children is a healthy and happy relationship with your partner!  Not only does this make the home environment a happier place for them, it also shows them a healthy example of a loving relationship.  When your children grow up they will tend to emulate your relationship in their own.  Don’t you want them to have happy, healthy relationships when they grow up?


  • Take your partner to an adult store and have fun choosing some toys.  While it may seem silly at first, don’t be afraid to step outside your comfort zone just a little to liven up your sex life.  Maybe merely buying some exotic massage oil or sexy lingerie will do it.  It doesn’t have to be anything bizarre or kinky.  Have fun with it.  Along these same lines, don’t be afraid to try a new sexual position or sensual massage.  Trying something new creates a feeling of adventure that may have been missing in your relationship for a very long time.


  • Another way you can reignite the passion is to bring romance back into your relationship.  When was the last time you did something truly romantic for your partner?  Sadly, you may be taking your partner for granted.   You may also believe the myth that romance is not important.  Well, it is.  Not only is it fun, it is a way of showing your partner that you love and appreciate him.


While traditional romantic gestures such as gifts and candlelight dinners still have their place, you may be surprised what your partner would consider “romantic”.  Some women feel that one of the most romantic things their husband could do is take the children out for pizza or a movie for a couple of hours so she can take a bubble bath and just relax in peace and quiet.  Romance can really entail anything that shows your partner how special he is to you.  Do those romantic gestures frequently!


  • Don’t forget to show affection outside of the bedroom.  When you and your partner were first together, you probably held hands every chance you got, kissed frequently, and put your arms around each other.  How often do you do any of that now?


Touch is a powerful form of non-verbal communication.  Don’t neglect it with your partner.  Hug each other more often.  Hold hands.  Kiss often.  Again, these displays of affection not only bring you closer to each other, they reassure your children, if they are still at home, that your relationship is happy and secure.  Kids pick up on negative vibes and often blame themselves when their parents split up.  Don’t be afraid to show genuine affection in front of them.  You, your partner, and your children will all benefit as a result!


  • One last thing:  If you or your partner have any medical or physical issues that are interfering with your love life, don’t hesitate to talk to your doctor.  Health issues can wreak havoc with a person’s libido, energy level, and ability to perform sexually. Women who are going through or have gone through menopause may be experiencing hormonal issues that can significantly impact their self-esteem, body image, and sexual enjoyment.  Men can also develop problems with impotence and other physical problems that affect them sexually as they get older.


Don’t accept that this is “just part of getting older” and let your love life suffer as a result.  You owe it to yourself, your partner, and your relationship to look into remedies or other options that will allow you to continue having a gratifying and active sex life.



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